 |
|
|
BUSH TO JOIN
PANEL ON METEORITE ALERTNESS, April 1, 2009 In a brief statement read outside the Purbeck Arms public house in Lyme Regis, England, Dr. Albert Chutney, a former member of the British Parliament and respected expert on threats posed by asteroidal collisions said: "[Bush] knows as much about the dangers of extraterrestrial impactors as I do about White House lobbyists." POMADE is charged with developing realistic ways in which to combat or disable near-Earth objects (NEOs) that might collide with our planet and produce showers of deadly meteorites. As well as destroying life and property at the point of impact, the radiation generated by meteorites could contaminate large surrounding areas rendering them uninhabitable, a scientist said. POMADE has been in existence for almost three years and was originally envisioned as a joint venture between NASA, Grumman Aerospace, and the Department of Homeland Security. After a short but tumultuous power struggle, senior NASA and Grumman officials were dismissed from the agency, leaving POMADE firmly under the control of Homeland Security. An aide with Homeland Security said unofficially: "Just because [NASA and Grumman] build space rockets and flying saucers and stuff and send people out to space, doesn't mean they know any more about meteor protection that we do. We've been at this already for some long distance now." Roger Gemini, one of the original space shuttle pilots and now a singer with successful punk rock group Roger Gemini and the Rockets, said he was "displeased" that control of POMADE now rests entirely in the hands of a government defense agency. "It smells fishy . . . like the bottom of a boat," he said after a sold-out live performance at the Whisky A-Go-Go concert venue in San Francisco. Following the press conference yesterday, George W. Bush and former first lady Barbara, spoke briefly with residents of the progressive Kansas farming community, before enjoying a meal of Rocky Mountain Oysters and haggis, served by waiters on stilts, which is part of a long-standing local tradition. During lunch, students from the local Germaine Greer Middle School performed a version of the pop song "Great Balls of Fire" and presented the former president and first lady with a commemorative plaque made of lead. In a seemingly unrelated event, a small meteorite allegedly fell near Marfa, Texas on the same day as Mr. Bush's speech. The space rock damaged a chicken coop and several birds squawked repeatedly, according to the county sheriff. Prominent meteorite collectors from New York, Miami, Los Angeles, Denver, Tucson, Portland, Las Vegas, Atlanta, Phoenix, Illinois, Fayetteville, and Burlap, Idaho each offered a $10,000 reward for the first one-kilogram (2.2 pound) piece of the meteorite to be recovered. One meteorite collector has already made a sizeable cash offer to purchase the chicken coop and all available feathers. Sally Poppadopoulis, owner of the land upon which the meteorite is reported to have fallen, said she would consider a Dutch auction on eBay, and would gladly take $10,000 from every one of the dealers. She had intended to donate the rock to a nearby university until "those meteor people started waving piles of Ben Franklins in my face," Ms. Poppadopoulis said during a telephone interview. When asked her opinion about the recent developments at POMADE, Ms. Poppadopoulis said: "I don't use that stuff in my hair. It's oily enough already." Betty Toledo THIS WEEK'S TOP ASTRONOMY AND SCIENCE STORIES Texas dog finds rock from outer space Humor not as funny as it used to be, study says Burkina Faso enters the space race with the new Faso Than Light Drive My Big Fat Bad: God
apologizes for The Big Bang, Radio telescopes will play lounge music on Sundays to help avert budget crunch Out of the Bag: Schodinger's Cat was actually a small pony, researcher claims |
 |
 |
|
 |
|
At
a press conference in the small rural town of Dawkins, Kansas yesterday,
former president Bush announced that he would be accepting a chair on
the controversial government Panel on Meteorite Alertness, Defense and
Evasion (POMADE). Critics say that after eight years of helming an administration
noted for its policy of undermining scientific research and education
while supporting Intelligent Design and barbeques, the former president
may not be the best choice for such a position.
The
former president began his acceptance speech with a familiar: "My
fellow Americans," and went on to deliver a rousing address affirming
that "meteorites are un-American, and we will not allow them to
fall on our homeland. We will take whatever steps are necessary to ensure
the safety of all Americans at this time and prevent there to be a crisis.
The people in this planet must know that all across our country there's
a lot of prayer—prayer for those whose lives might have been turned
upside down by one of these meteors. And I'm one of them. God bless
America."
Meanwhile,
at POMADE's research and development complex in Steppenwolf, West Virginia,
work continues on the Rae Gun, a sophisticated device which, it is hoped,
will effectively use accelerated protons to destroy NEOs that pose a
possible threat to Earth. The Rae Gun project is already millions of
dollars over budget and has drawn harsh criticism from leading arms
experts. As a new senior member of the POMADE steering committee, former
president Bush will directly oversee design and production of the experimental
weapon. "I am really looking forward to trying this gizmo out,"
Mr. Bush said enthusiastically during his acceptance speech.